Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Randomize
