I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Randomize
