Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
Randomize
