His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
