Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Randomize
