i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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