Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Randomize
