I was born with a shot glass in my hand
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
