1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize
