Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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