FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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