saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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