Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Randomize
