This house was built for laser tag.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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