And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Randomize
