I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Randomize
