I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize