I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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