careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Randomize
