Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize