Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize