What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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