yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
try to milk me bitch
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
