Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
