Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
Randomize
