remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
Randomize