I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Randomize
