Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
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