He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
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