I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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