also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize