god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
