I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
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