so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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