so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
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