Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize