everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Randomize
