you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
