Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
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