So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
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