dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
