Where did you get a picture of my penis
it wasn't lemon gatorade
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
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