She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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