I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Randomize
