never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Randomize
