even my farts smell like vagina
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
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