Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Randomize