saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Randomize
