This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
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