Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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