He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Randomize
