my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
