I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
