We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Randomize
