My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Randomize
