I wish I only lived at night.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
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