I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
