your parents love me but you hate me
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
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