Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
