why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
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