I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Randomize
