I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Randomize
