I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
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