I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
