Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize
