He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Randomize
